With Monkey getting closer to 2 years old, more and more people have started to ask when JAM and I will be having a second baby.  I brush off their comments with a chuckle and a “Not right now” or “You never know” but underneath that cover is the truth that I am scared.  As the mom of a preemie I never want to have to go through that experience again.  Overall Monkey’s course in hospital was pretty smooth. He was pretty “text book” for a 32 weeker and now he shows no signs of his preemie days. However I still, and always will, bear the scars of being a preemie mom:

Of having a labour room filled with urgency and OBs, Pediatricians, respiratory therapists, and nurses; of all of them trying to explain what it means to deliver a baby 2 months early; of the nurses reorganizing the room and after Monkey’s birth cleaning up the tools that would have been used to intubate him; of spending that first night in the hospital and Googling “survival rate of premature babies” to figure out that the chances were good that my son would live (something I was too afraid to ask the pediatrician); of leaving Monkey at the hospital day after day, week after week; of all the tears with each setback, and the stone cold horror of watching the stats on the monitors drop as my baby forgets to breathe; of feeling immensely guilty, I failed the baby I am suppose to protect by not carrying him to full term.

Yes, today I have a happy healthy toddler who fills my heart with more love than I could have ever imagined, but that does not erase the wounds from the early days.
The fear of having another preemie, which would be further complicated by having Monkey at home, weighs heavily on my mind when I think about having a second child. I always imagined that we’d have more than one child, and never before have I let fear hold me back from any other challenge I’ve faced. I think about Monkey and how I have tried to help him through his fears so that he can continue to grow and I try to tell myself the things I’ve told him. Definitely this isn’t easy but I’m determined to keep moving forward and do my best to let go of my fear.

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Kate & Company

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